help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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