I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
