Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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