he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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