yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
