youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
never play flip cup with pint glasses
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
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