I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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