she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
