he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
