I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
