dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
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