3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
she told me i tasted like america
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
