I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
