my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
