I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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