so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
