seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
