I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
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I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
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My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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