I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
false alarm, still single
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
