This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Randomize
