Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
