We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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