mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
