My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
