this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
