apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
