Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
