Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
