Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
