Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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