i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
