pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
