Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(714): View more from California

Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?

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(214): View more from Texas

i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"

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(518): View more from New York

I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of

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(915): View more from Texas

Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired

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(425): View more from Washington

Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants

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(520): View more from Arizona

Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck

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(541): View more from Oregon

He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.

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