matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
