'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
