Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
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He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
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I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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