Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
