i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
