before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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