people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
