when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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