I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
