We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
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But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
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alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize