My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
