Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
