The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
