Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
