I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You are the jesus of drinking
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
