FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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