Just cropdusted the office
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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