Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
