Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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