They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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