Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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