Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
