You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
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I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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