I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
