There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
wakey wakey hands off snakey
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
