My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
