sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
