you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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